From Lukewarm to Devoted

Recently, I lost a childhood friend, someone who had been a significant part of my life. It was sudden and dealing with that grief shattered me. I found myself wrestling with anger towards the Lord. Questions flooded my mind: Why did this happen? How could God allow this to happen?

This experience shook my faith to its core, but it also revealed how much I’ve grown spiritually. I’m grateful for the development and strength in my faith over the years because, without it, navigating this season would have been unbearable.

In the midst of grief, I discovered the amazing grace that accompanies it. I realized this wasn’t something God was doing to me; it was something happening, something that undeniably sucked. Yet, I held onto the truth that God is a good father, always there for His children.

In the initial days, declaring ‘God is Good’ felt physically painful. My reality didn’t align with the truth I knew. I had just lost one of my best friends at 25, and it seemed incongruent with the goodness of my Lord and Savior Jesus. But I kept reminding myself to command my soul to praise the Lord.

I discovered that God is big enough to handle the full spectrum of my frustrations and anger, even when I didn’t handle it the best .

While grappling with sorrow, I made a conscious effort to engage in faith-fueling activities. Attending prayer and worship nights at church became a place where I could pour out my heart and soul in tears while worshiping, knowing that being in His presence would bring about a change. Even if I couldn’t feel it in the moment or fully believe it, there was an unexplainable knowing that God would fix my broken heart.

There were times I didn’t get it right. I vividly remember an evening standing in my church courtyard, angry and broken, yelling at the cross. It wasn’t my finest moment, but I believe God saw beyond my anger and worked on healing the pain causing it.

At that moment, surprisingly someone passed by, offering a hug and suggesting a grief class. Though I never attended, I recognize God intentionally placing her in the courtyard that night, at just the right moment, to tangibly confirm to me that He sees me, He hears me, and is here to comfort me.

This challenging time made me question many truths I had come to know. How does God turn tragedy into something good?  How does joy come in the morning after such a loss? How does mourning turn into dancing? While God didn’t answer all my questions, He was there, as Emmanuel—God with me. 

Even though I still can’t wrap my head around my friend’s passing, and it hurts like crazy, God’s truth stays solid. The truth that: He’ll never leave me nor forsake me, that He is close to the brokenhearted, and that all things work together for my good. My heart kinda wished the truth could shift to ease my pain, but truth doesn’t change—so it didn’t, my heart did.

My heart remembered the faithfulness of Christ all my life, and that He has always been good. Through every season, and every trail, He has loved me through the other side.

God is who He says He is.